Gish's Journal

I'm 27 years old and have lived on the streets since I was 6 years old.

Three months ago I moved into Rebeccas Community 'Hospitality House.'

This website chronicles my life journey through foster care, homelessness, drug addiction, prison and my new life off drugs and off the streets.

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Looking From the Inside (Fri 9th July 04)

I name this story looking from the inside because today was the first time that I felt like I was part of the crowd and I was actually participating in what was happening from the inside of the crowd instead of watching the crowd from the outside.

I went to a FM 104 event today, garage days they call it, it is a free promotional concert the radio puts on once a week to promote a band or album and it is percussion only. There were two bands today, Thirsty Merc and another one I can't remember the name of.

When I or a group of my friends go to a concert or an event we are usually only going there to watch what is going on from the very outside or periphery of the crowd, not to join into the crowd and participate in the fun.

As I am not to sure of the technical name for this I will just label it as part of the overall anti-social ness that is usually a big part of every streetie that I know.., we like to hang out and do all the normal things that normal people do we just want to do it without contact with anyone that we don't consider part of whatever 'crew' we are part of at that time.

I think a lot of people that I know only go to a lot of events like concerts and gigs, tours, exhibitions and or anything that is organized for them to go to so they can sit on the outside and watch the other people have fun.

I know that a great majority of the things that I have gone to either with friends or by myself I have gone to knowing before I even arrive that I will look for a place that I can sit or stand that is away from the centre of the action and away from the main body of people that are there with me then watch what is going on from that position for the entire time that I am there.

I have very rarely joined the crowd and it is even rarer if I actually participate in the activities that are on offer. Today was very different for me, I found myself looking forward to taking part in the fun and being in the crowd, I found myself looking at my friends and wondering why they weren't enjoying themselves as much as I was and realizing that I was truly different to them and that a large part of this was due to me not thinking in the same way as they did anymore.

I have made some very positive steps on my
journey and looking at the time frame I have
made the major changes to my life in I have
to say that I have really surprised myself.

I'm not talking about the way I have changed the way I have been living but about the way I think and feel about the way I live that is were I am amazed at the differences within myself.

My brother told me once that people don't look at me and automatically know that I'm a streetie, that it is just me thinking this and that it is not what is really going on in there heads. I mention this because my own experiences have taught me that whenever I look at a 'normal' person I think they know that I am streetie and that they think I am basically the worst thing they can think of.

Now I know that this is not true and probably always have but have never had the emotional strength to explore the possibility that they don't think like this and never have, it has always been me projecting my own personal doubts and shortcomings into them so that I could feel comfortable not having to deal with them on a personal level, I could just stay the way I was and never have to deal with the fact that they probably didn't care about me one way or the other.

I feel that I have been doing this because I am a pretty insecure person and it is easier to assume that people don't like me and never will then it is to try and get them to like me.

I cant explain to you the joy I felt today standing there in the middle of the crowd in the middle of the city, tapping my foot and nodding my head to the beat of the music and not caring what other people thought of me and that they didn't even care that I was there, I was just like them, there to enjoy the music and the atmosphere just like they were.


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